Cake Happening

Every once in a while, a band comes along that makes you rethink your perception of music; the Nirvanas, the Replacements of the world, they really innovate in a way that’s both engaging and unique. I’d like to go on record as saying that

Nickelback somehow un-does the contributions of all of those great bands; they are bad enough to make any music fan begin to hate music.

Now, before I keep ranting, it’s important to note that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and different musical tastes are part of what makes the world so interesting. That being said, anyone who enjoys the music of Nickelback is a complete and utter retard.

I first heard Nickelback’s timeless hit “How You Remind Me,” in high school, and I remember thinking…well, nothing, Nickelback music tends to numb thought. It was like Genesis, Bon Jovi, and Creed formed together and chose a frontman who looked like a bizzaro version of Kurt Cobain with a perm.

The first thing you’ll notice when listening to a Nickelback song is that your ears have begun to bleed. That’s because the singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger (who, it’s fun to point out, has been arrested for driving drunk, though I’d tend to believe that it was a mistake since I doubt he can walk in a straight line or sound uninebriated in any circumstance), sings like a horse would sing, if someone tried to teach a horse English but then gave up after the horse learned a few basic vowels and consonants. “NEVERWHOWAAAASSSAAAAWAAAMAAAN”, he exclaims, sounding as sincere as an insurance salesman. Every vowel is “a” or “o”, and every rhyme is the first one-syllable word that appears in Webster’s Rhyming Dictionary for 5th Grade Kids With ADD.

And if you’re lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one of Nickelback’s videos, you’ll surely be impressed by the tight shirts and manicured Hollywood looks of everyone in the band. C’mon, this is supposed to be a rock band? Gary Glitter was more masculine and down-and-dirty than these guys.